Saturday 16th July
Jesus this is a long time ago. On this day we visited Pier 39, one of the more famous parts of San Francisco (and consequently touristy). So we did some touristy things, beginning with a boat trip round Alcatraz and the Golden Gate Bridge. It was cold, but some rather good views were presented to our eager cameras. Lunch followed; the famed San Francisco Clam Chowder in Sourdough bowl justified the hype.
Simon, who has been on holiday to this city before once long ago, had some memories of a really good aquarium in San Francisco and it so happened that the San Francisco Bay Aquarium was to be found at Pier 39. "Yes!" he exclaimed excitedly, "that must be it. I remember the big windows where you can see out into the bay. Stands to reason." Needless to say, it wasn't. We later discovered that he was actually remembering the Monterey Bay Aquarium (which is on the same bay. Just in a different place). Still, at least it was free on our rather excellent CityPasses (those are the sort of numbers that we like!). So after this disappointing visit to what turned out to be a really small place, we got on a bus and wandered vaguely around Chinatown. In the end, we wandered all the way through it and ended up in the Financial District which, with the notable exception of the TransAmerica Pyramid (Google it) was architecturally considerably less interesting than Chinatown had been. So we wandered back into it for a while and eventually found ourselves on a bus back to the hostel. We did these things principally out of a feeling of duty to make some use of our time.
Sunday 17th July
In the morning the group split up (to cover more ground) as Tim and Guy, in their tremendous stupidity, had either lost/broken their headphones and had to buy new ones. Meanwhile, Ed and Simon set out to book a Greyhound bus and, in their fantastic brilliance, ended up achieving more in 2 hours than all four of us had done for the past 3 days. Returning with Greyhound tickets, lunch, a vastly improved sense of direction and warmer hearts after some gallant giving-of-stuff-to-a-hobo (what great guys), our quartet reformed and set out for the Exploratorium, a fun science museum which is definitely not designed for children. Suffice to say we had an unreasonable amount of fun in the few short hours before it closed.
We rushed back to the hostel having discovered that there was a 'pub quiz' on in the dining room that night. A couple of drinks beforehand ensured that the quiz (which turned out to be 45 questions in one single round with no breaks, which was...interesting) was merry. Coming in at a disappointing second place made it merrier as the prize was 2 bottles of wine, especially when we joined the winning team for a round of self-congratulatory mugs of wine. Classy!
It wasn't until several hours later that the consequences of our actions were realised as we stumbled up to bed, Simon and Ed sobering into a happy state of haze as Guy and Tim fared somewhat worse. We won't regale you with the gory details (they are gory. Really. Scarring for life.) but it should be known that Simon and Ed put in star performances as carers for their perennially useless comrades, staying awake until half 4 in the morning (and becoming thoroughly sober I might add) just to make sure that they didn't choke themselves. Still, it was a rather hilarious occasion and will no doubt provide in-jokes for many years to come.
PS, Jack Mayhew, consider yourself beaten in your objective of causing a certain bodily reaction in Tim through the medium of alcohol.
PPS, Happy Birthday to Simon's Mum!
DOD: Tim, for being incredibly stubborn while we were attempting to look after him.
Monday 18th July
This day began with much groaning, mainly from Tim. Unfortunately this pretty much set the tone for the rest of it. Ed and Guy set out to attempt to sell Dave to some hapless American whilst Simon babysat Tim some more. Much TV was watched.
Eventually our sales team found a willing buyer but encountered a rather significant problem - apparently it is the done thing in America for the dealership where a car is bought from to hold on to the deeds of ownership for a vehicle until it is resold. Being inexperienced in the jaded ways of the world, we did not know this. No deeds means no sale, which left us fairly bummed out. Our misery was compounded as we attempted to contact our dodgy dealers back in Miami to hook us up with said document post haste. It should be explained at this point that the setup in the Miami garage is something like the Odd Couple; one of the two men that works there is a generally nice bloke and quite proficient at his job. The other is a useless nerk. Naturally the nerk was entrusted with our precious documentation and promised to send it to us that night via email (no scanner in the office apparently).
The other problem was that this night we had to get to LA and we already had 4 non-negotiable Greyhound tickets and a car. Hoping for the best, Simon and Ed stubbornly boarded the bus and got in some sleep while Tim and Guy drove into the night.
I didn't want to ruin the drama of that last sentence but Guy thought it should be known that this was the longest single leg of driving of the entire trip and an undertaking generally not to be sniffed at, so we should give them appropriate driving kudos.
Tuesday 19th July
This day was characterised by further disappointment and sadness, for the following reasons;
1) LA is blazingly hot, especially after the oasis of cool that is the San Francisco peninsula.
2) The dealers still hadn't managed to send us the documents.
3) Because of this horrendous fail over in Florida, we couldn't sell the car. Many metaphorical tears were shed.
Still, taking the Greyhound was a successful travel experience. Ed and Simon arrived in LA at 6 in the morning and performed the classic tourist ritual of walking up and down Hollywood Boulevard. It was not hugely interesting to be honest. Eventually Tim and Guy arrived and were seen driving past by complete coincidence so, having parked up, we went to see Hollywood Boulevard. Again. Turns out there is basically nothing else to do in that part of LA. We ended up going into a Hooters for lunch just because we hadn't been in one yet which was, needless to say, an experience we all enjoyed.
Anyway much depression ensued and we ended up having a rather emotional farewell with Dave in the LAX long-stay parking.We did a whole ritual involving much writing on the windows and playing of fitting music and suchlike. I'm glossing over this because it was such a painful experience, but we battled through the tears to go and catch a flight to cooler and hopefully less depressing times on a tropical Pacific island.
But before we embark upon the next leg of our literary odyssey, we must present a few lists that we jotted down, to summarise the American leg of the trip. They should give you something of a feel for what road-tripping is actually like.
List Of Greasy Fast Food Joints Visited, in chronological order (most visited more than once):
Burger King
McDonalds
Wendy's
Dairy Queen
KFC
Denny's
IHOP
Subway
Pizza Hut
Taco Bell
Hooters
List Of Faults In The Car:
Steering: Not centered; massive deadzone; feels disconnected.
Rear Suspension: Very soft; bouncy and rolly (nausea inducing, in other words).
Rear Interior Light: Fallen out and doesn't work anyway.
Driver Door: Inside trim falling off; doesn't hold open; no manual lock.
Cigarette Lighter: Cover broken (thanks Ed!)
Dashboard: 4 buttons missing (one of which was the fog lights); 1 air vent missing.
Front Passenger Door: Door Pocket missing
Seats: Ripped covers
Driver Seatbelt: Cover snapped
Rear Seatbelts: If they go taut, they won't loosen up again until you unplug them.
Gearbox: Somewhat indecisive; lethargic; doesn't like reverse gear. At all.
Windscreen Washer Bottle: Baaaaaaaaaaaad leak.
A/C: Partially buggered; temperature control broken.
Rear Speakers: Don't work.
Right Passenger Seatbelt: Buckle doesn't work.
Armrest Compartment: No lock; can be pulled out of the armrest.
Rear Windows: Can't be opened except by the driver.
Wing Mirrors: Electronic adjustment broken.
Engine: Occasional unidentified puddles of leaking mystery fluid (thanks Tim!); interior light broken.
Front Bumper: Dented (thanks Tim!); dented again (thanks Guy!).
Key: Stubborn - likes to stay in the ignition when you really need it to come out so you can leave.
Boot: Lock broken (masterfully repaired with duct tape and superglue); leaks from top.
List Of Felonies Committed, By State:
Federal: Smuggling of Cuban Cigars (x2); Party to tax fraud (reduced tax on our car which the US government thinks we bought for about $500).
Florida: Jaywalking; Underage Drinking; Trespassing; Speeding.
Georgia: Jaywalking; Underage Drinking; Speeding; Theft (of towels).
South Carolina: Jaywalking; Speeding
North Carolina: Speeding
Virginia: Driving Without Seatbelts (a state law we were obliged to break when we saw a sign telling us not to); Using Wipers Without Headlights On (likewise); Littering (from Guy - what a pleb); Jaywalking; Speeding.
D.C.: Jaywalking; Littering (Guy again - his defence was "DC is just one giant bin anyway").
Maryland: Speeding.
Pennsylvania: Speeding; Jaywalking.
New Jersey: Speeding; Jaywalking.
New York: Jaywalking; Screenhopping; Speeding; Littering (probably Guy, although we don't recall).
Ohio: Jaywalking; Speeding.
Michigan: Speeding.
Indiana: Speeding.
Illinois: Speeding; Jaywalking.
Wisconsin: Speeding; Jaywalking.
Minnesota: Speeding.
South Dakota: Speeding; Jaywalking.
Wyoming: Speeding; Jaywalking; Theft (of BBQ cover); Underage Drinking.
Idaho: Speeding.
Utah: Speeding; Not Moving Out Of Lane For A Pulled Over Emergency Vehicle; Jaywalking; Underage Drinking; Littering (accidental/drunken).
Arizona: Speeding; Jaywalking.
Nevada: Speeding; Jaywalking.
California: Speeding; Jaywalking; Underage Drinking.
So hopefully that gives you something of a flavour of what we did in that vast, empty, pointless nation.
Wednesday 20th July
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Thursday 21st July
After our amazing Wednesday in which literally nothing went wrong in the whole approximately 5 hours it existed for us (this was the day we crossed the international date line the wrong way if anyone hasn't worked that out yet), we arrived in Fiji at about 5 AM. Once we got out of customs the cooling breeze and tropical morning sun was extremely refreshing and helped us leave behind our troubled financial past in the USA.
Upon arriving at our hostel we made use of the volleyball court the whole building was centred around, which was good fun even if we were atrociously awful at it. The staff, seeing us making arses of ourselves and having nothing better to do, quickly joined in and thoroughly schooled us. Eventually the other guests of the place emerged and turned out to be a flock of Gap Yaahs' from Reading, with the exception of one Canadian girl who lived in Fiji and was only on the mainland to visit the dentist.
Eventually we roused ourselves to get up and get on a bus into nearby Nadi, the second biggest town in Fiji. It's about the size of Thame. Underwhelmed, we wandered vaguely into a fast food chicken place (an American hangover habit) and then into a Hindu temple, which was considerably nicer than the former. After this we went to see the much-talked-about Bula Festival (which is Fijian for the Hello festival). Imagine, if you will, Thame Fair, but take out anything that would cost more than 20 quid to build. And increase the number of Ferris Wheels by about 10,000%. Now put the whole thing in a dusty field and throw in a dash of petrol fumes for good measure. That's pretty much it, but populated entirely by poverty-stricken Fijians.
In the later afternoon we took a taxi from the fair, which felt a lot like a military jeep with an open-ended canvas roof over wooden benches acting as seats in the back. It took us to the Sleeping Giant Gardens which was actually rather pretty. It contains one of the world's largest collections of orchids and a jungle path, resplendent in the native flora of Fiji which are many and tropical. Plus they gave us free juice at the end. So we rated that place pretty highly (as did our taxi drivers, who had never been in it before despite living 10 minutes drive away). At last we returned to the hostel and went to bed with some SoCoColas to put us to sleep.
PS, Happy Birthday to Alix Whiteway for the day before, which thankfully existed where she was.
Friday 22nd July through Monday 25th
We got up early on the 22nd, partly because we had to, but mostly because of massive jetlag and headed out to the island of Waya in the Yasawa Island group, or as it's more commonly known, tropical paradise. We took an extremely fast boat out to them, passing on the way an ominous patch of land with a large rock that looked suspiciously like a skull. Apart from that the trip was uneventful (if bumpy) and we arrived safely. Contrary to popular belief, the fact that we didn't do anything on the internet during this time was not because we were dead but simply because we were in the middle of the damn ocean.
We eased into the resort lifestyle quite fast and the following days passed in a blur of drinking, pre-paid meals, balmy weather, meeting people from New Zealand and playing pool and volleyball (both of which we got a lot better at as the days passed). Highlights included hiring out snorkeling gear and venturing out onto the reefs. The good part was the venturing, not the hiring. Ed particularly became master of the reefs and saw the most exciting things; stingrays, squids, what may have been a turtle, and of course countless beautiful tropical fish. Guy took the prize for the biggest fish spotted, though we have no idea what it was other than 'big'.
The night of the 23rd was claimed to be 'BoNFirE NiTE!!!' on the blackboard. Naturally, the prospect of fire was too tempting to resist and we gathered round, happily watching the flames dance for us like trained dancing monkeys. That are on fire. Little could improve the night at this point, but among the small list of things that could was 'Free Alcohol' and happily this was what presented itself in the form of a friendly staff member and 3 bottles of spirit to be literally poured down the throat of anyone willing. The night rapidly descended into Simon and Ed bravely, but futilely attempting to out-drink a strangely persuasive deaf woman whose gesticulation and pouring got steadily worse as the night went on.
The 24th was, finally, deemed to be Ed's official birthday (for those that don't remember Ed's actual birthday took place in Cuba when we were all horrifically sunburned and couldn't do anything to celebrate) and as such drinking started at breakfast. Simon took the initiative and stole 8 glasses of juice from the breakfast bar so we could drink spiked juice throughout the morning, thus reducing our bar tab as far as possible. This was a good plan, but it didn't last nearly long enough. If we recall correctly, it lasted about an hour. After this we hit the beach and the snorkels until we got bored, then returned to the bar to begin the serious business of running up a terrifying tab. Thus the day was passed; I'm fairly sure pool and Scrabble were involved at some point although I can't say for certain.
Eventually the day of our departure dawned and, after much faff attempting to pay for everything with our malnourished cards we said farewell to our new friends (hello to Bradley Ingram of New Zealand if he ever reads this - Happy Birthday too) and reluctantly boarded the boat back to the same hostel we had stayed at before just outside Nadi.
Very little happened for the rest of the day; there was much sitting around, playing of guitars and finishing off of drink. We met some new, less objectionable people which was nice and spent most of the evening playing cards with them. This whiled away the hours until we all went to bed in preparation for another hellishly early morning of flight catching.
Fiji overall was pretty fun and extremely relaxing, which was the idea. The weather was lovely, the people were friendly (in a subtly mocking way) and it was a shame we couldn't stay longer. Still, further adventuring was at hand and we were plenty rested. Just lazy.
Thus ends Fiji। Our adventures thus far in the lands down under will hopefully be on the airwaves tomorrow morning NZ time, but for now we're off to get drunk with one of Ed's primary school friends. Talk soon faithful followers.
Run Ed Run??
Daves finally resting place :(
The message we left in Fiji
Ed falling asleep on a speedboat
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